10 Effective Ways of Overcoming Guilt and How to Forgive Yourself

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The tragedy of Macbeth tells the story of a Scottish General. Thane of Glamis. After a prophecy by three witches that he will one day be King. Thanes Kills the King and takes over to be  King of Scotland. Events that follow throughout the plot of Shakespeare’s masterpiece document the role of guilt in Thane’s subsequent actions. His murderous act haunts him throughout the play. The remorse, paranoia and regret of his blood stained hands stand in his way of enjoying his ill-fated kingship. 

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Guilt is neither simple nor nice. In fact, there is no easy way to escape the haunting of guilt. But like so many other emotional responses, guilt also possess healthy psychological developments. However, the overarching finality when it comes to remorse; is to take action or suffer in silence.

The best action to take in such occasions is accept the transgression and seek forgiveness. Until then will you have the ability to cleanse your wrongdoing and forgive yourself. Perhaps in his portrayal of guilt in Macbeth, Shakespeare attempts to suggest that no matter how hard we try to hide the remorse of our wrongdoings – the effects are only ill-fated.

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Macbeth premiering  at the Edinburgh International Festival

Nevertheless, Lady Macbeth who is the major driving force behind Macbeth’s murderous plot tries to convince him that;- although the implications of their bloody action might not be hidden the blood can easily be washed away. The following lines reveal Macbeth’s desperate plea to escape his sense of guilt with a grand dramaturgy that implies his action will forever make him a changed man. 

‘Will all great Neptune’s ocean wash this blood

Clean from my hand? No, this my hand will rather’

There are many reasons why we feel guilty. The fear that we are not living up to our standards and the expectations of society is also a possible cause of guilt. An instance of wrongdoing might not necessarily grant guilt and remorse. Additionally,  guilt might be psychological discomfort against actions we have no control of. Your daughter might feel guilty that she took music in college while you wanted her to become an aeronaut. My friend feels guilty because they broke up with his girlfriend. Sarah felt guilty because she had made no effort to tell her deceased granny how much she loved her.[Read the story of Sarah on what makes us feel guilty].

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From my perspective, I find my friend’s sense of guilt to be rather than a failure to live up to his values but as a lack of connection; that had once been nurtured between him and his girlfriend. After the break-up, the effect of loss plus the regrets that had he treated her better; often than not remain to be the fuel of guilt.

The sudden loss of a loved one might  not necessarily create remorse. In fact, according to a 2018 statistics about Post heartbreak pain, the feeling of unworthiness to connection creates shame – which eventually if not acted upon causes guilt.

To act upon such emotional responses demands of us to understand the related case of our guilt. The following are different cases of guilt. I compiled the entire list from Goodtherapy.org. 

Chronic Guilt

Occasionally, chronic guilt is attached to resentment and anger. It is the guilt we feel once we can’t reach to what is not available to us. For instance someone we love, or something we desperately want, maybe a job. The damned dream of a distraught child trying to reach out to their dream only to realize its futile.

Between ages 17-18 I myself suffered from the resentment of a strict upbringing. The conditions I had set myself for life didn’t seem to tick. While I chased my dreams, it felt painfully valueless to live in the face of disappointment after disappointment.   

Post Assault/abuse/trauma linked Guilt

A meta analysis by the BBC reveals that 60% of women or girls, aged 14 years and above; and who had obtained non consensual sex through threat, incapacitation or force, did not immediately acknowledge that they had been raped. Surprisingly, these numbers collected from upto 28 studies reveal a shocking reality of the major reason why most cases of sexual assault are not reported right away.

The varying debate in the subconscious part of the victim is whether they might have contributed to their victimization. Often, people with a post assault guilt will find it difficult to accept that their fate wasn’t their fault. You might deem it worth to fact check the essay on why most rape victims never acknowledge what happened.

Meanwhile, Trauma therapy could be important in assisting a post assault victim in re-framing the event; and help them understand that they were not worth of the action and did nothing wrong to contribute to the case of assault. 

Mistake/Choice Linked Guilt

This type of guilt is linked to empathy or admittance of a wrongdoing. It is the only type of guilt attached to some level of positive psychological development. Admittance of a wrong will probably prompt a person to be sensitive of their later choices. However, one’s morality and their sense of guilt are the only attribute that will balance the positivity of later choices.

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Macbeth’s guilt is so strong that it engulfed his daily doings. Nevertheless, the guilt does not prevent him from carrying out another murderous act. The killing of Banquo. Macbeth murders Banquo so as to hide his secret- of killing King Duncan. Therefore, it seems the detachment of morality from guilt might be the root of more insensitive actions – hence resulting to more guilt-causing actions. 

Mental Health Linked Guilt

Implications of mental health complications may take the form of withdrawal, suicidal behavior, avoidance, attacking and violent mannerisms.  This usually affects how a person relates with other people, especially those close to them.

Helen couldn’t help feeling guilty after noticing how her state of depression was affecting those around her.

This will probably affect the love they have forged for themselves; and only counselling can easily get them back on fit.  

10 Ways to Overcome Guilt 

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To prevent your productivity becoming completely thrown out of balance. I have dug the surface of guilt and depression linked remorse to provide you 10 tips on how to overcome guilt. 

  1. Understand the purpose and the cause of the guilt. Identify whether the kind of guilt your are experiencing is unproductive. Remind yourself that there’s no need of being overly critical. 
  2. Journal about your feelings. Courtney Ackerman in ‘Using Pen and Paper to enhance Personal Growth’ tells about the therapeutic nature of writing. The writer claims that expressive writing has significant healing benefits to trauma victims. Writing therapy is a form of expressive therapy that eases feelings of emotional trauma.
  3. If your guilt is a result of a wrongdoing, find it worth to apologise. Ensure that your apology is sincere and dont make sorry just a sorry word
  4. Reflect on the situation, investigate the root of the guilt and attempt to find a way of preventing a similar occurrence. 
  5. Learn to forgive yourself.
  6. Transform feelings of guilt into gratitude and as a way of changing things.
  7. Realize each day is a new beginning, move on from the guilt and be mindful of other things in your life.
  8. Do not withdraw from your social circle, meet new people, implement new spiritual practices, listen to religious teachings, commune with others to pray and discuss important matters, spend time in nature, hike, swim, go skateboarding and if possible get into meditation or yoga. 
  9. Embrace imperfection – Its not for humans to be perfect.
  10. If you are unable to move on past your guilt, seek help from a therapist. Feelings of guilt might be implications of mental health conditions and a therapist would provide significant assistance.

Bottomline

Thank You for Coming this Far. 

Are you struggling with mental health conditions? Find additional resources from https://13reasonswhy.info – The site provides a list  of mental health services and advocacy groups for all countries. 

 

Photo Credits: 

Mending My Walls

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Toxicity

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Over the years, I have stretched some loosely hanging dimensions way too far and overwhelmed myself with a feeling of impossibility. A feeling that doesn’t escape me for one second. Sometimes when I’m not busy I try to check on it.

The ego. The heart. The soul.

Whether it  hurts and for quite an iniquitous moment of time, I hold on to my chest and  feel if it’s there.

It’s there. 

The pain hasn’t gone away. It has eaten into the cribs of my emotions and dragged with it my hopes and possibilities. Pushed me into a corner.

A corner  I hardly can push back because what lies in the dark is scary and cold. 

Cold in every dimension. 

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A few minutes before hitting to class. She hits back. Your brain tunes back to life and your heart jingles. You are moved and in all honestly – you think your love story is punctuating it’s flow. You hang both hands around your face, sliding an old school Infinix  across your nose. A mumble forms on your lips and your heaving breaths life into your longing. The long ubiquitous mumble forms into a prayer. The prayer you whisper to your God brings with it tears you can’t hold back. 

While you rush to press the read button. Sorry. You stop there. The earth trembles, your eyes close and the truth smacks your face.pexels-photo-2345374

 

For days you waited for her damn reply. Patiently and –  slowly glorifying that ‘kafeeling’ that perhaps this chick you are so crazy about is busy doing something constructive. And that tiny optimistic voice at the back of your mind cries out that you are being an ugly impatient jerk. Is it just you or everyone is endowed with the art of waiting. That feeling convinces you that the voices you hear are only doubts. You have got esteem, right? Then why the doubts. It’s worth. You tell yourself. 

The hurt, the pain and the doubts.  For they are all a means to a happy end. In fact, that’s what it takes to not die a painfully lonely life. The sacrifices, right?  Its fucking you up and you feel it inside your soul in trembles. Your blood rushes. Your heart beats. 

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Whenever you text her a slew of conversations. She falls back into a corner. Your minds rushes again. You wait that the tick will turn blue long before you lose your patient. But it’s a lie. You’ve never lost your cool.

It’s been this way for 6 months. 

How in the world would you lose your patience today? Maybe she will change and the magic will spark once more. After days of waiting. The tick turns blue and she comforts you with a twist of niceties. Monster-ed toxicity lotioned in nice love till you forget; 

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Forget what you’ve been through while you waited for her response.

The lover will say  was busy and you will find your validation. This message will kiss your emptiness and your skin will melt away into comfort. But deep down you realize she will go again. She will disappear into her slumber and you will remain to dance the jingle. The jingle of despair and unrequited love.  

The jingle of her toxicity. 

Toxicity that makes you feel unwanted. 

The mother of all paranoia.

The Face on the Front Page

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Every day she hopes things will work out.

Last when I saw her, she was bleeding pain. A pain that she refused to say what it was. Whatever it was; it had eaten away the front of her smile and was busy devouring her inside. You could see it in her gait and the way she talked, even her eyes shone with some dimming light. Frantically as she forceful and coldly denied it, her breath much in anticipation of pressing on – but her radiance melting down like that of an abandoned whisky – stole her charm and left a stoic frame grasping for some energy.

Energy she couldn’t find.

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Photo Credits: Marjorie Mwendwa – Self Inspired Model with 254flo Kenya

I could see what she was carrying. And there was this conviction in her words – that it was nothing. That everything was okay and things were going cool. She was carrying a desperate heaviness, one that you don’t describe in words but in melodramatic facials- an emptiness that could easily ghost her from reality – yet this is what you saw from a distance.

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Not me, not her, but you. This is what you saw in her – another name for charm. A burger in a five star restaurant – a woman worth the cover page of a high end beauty magazine; an extremely beautiful woman, one you had probably seen on a billboard. One of those billboards that hang tightly to the walls of upper hill sky crappers; on stickers loosely clinging on a lavish matatu –  perhaps one you had seen on a Geisha advert; in between the time you catch up with your favorite show on Maisha Magic. Girls like those don’t advertise Sportpesa, or infinix or Indomie –Such looks are only for some fetish Kenya Airways Ad, Vogue clothes line, and the weekly red carpet. Blah Blah Blah- anyways that’s not the point.

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The thing about beauty is it makes you vulnerable, scared and misplaced. She was vulnerable – she was scared and I could feel it in my bones when she hugged me. The world expects you to be beautiful but not too beautiful. So it’s a dilemma sufficiently in itself- that wreaks vainfulness and mispriority. Yet a superficial bar imposed on most Kenyan Women, which sometimes is unattainable – and other times a goal for many.

Yet the most beautiful girl in the room has always been the show stopper. She cannot speak to someone’s boyfriend a sentence or two without sparking envy. It’s very much easy to calibrate her image in colors, fretting wonder and niceties- but so difficult to see her inside. So she coils unspeaking because you can’t always have it all. She tirelessly spends time examining the mirror looking back at her – because the world has made her think it’s the only thing she can offer.

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Sadly, the very world takes upon its hand to judge her, to turn her around and weigh her by the tones of skin color, eyes, the line her mouth scants upon her lips, the size of her legs and whether her dimples are worth a kiss.   The anecdotes revolving around her life scantily, if not deeply – affect how she relates with people. Whenever someone tells her ‘she’s beautiful’; she doesn’t let that get into her so much. Because for years; her beauty has been sort of a weapon to catalyze un-requested favors from people. Getting things she never deserved just because she had a killer smile.

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No one loves this kind of hype and especially when it revolves around beauty and popularity. Friends have stuck by her; but she can’t undress them beyond the superficial giggles and read their intentions. Maybe some are just there for the hype- just to be called her friend. But deep inside they want to strip her, to have her smile and keep it for themselves.

To destroy her.

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Mathew Wakhungu, better known as Tao Tripper of the now separated Camp Mulla;  Tells Grace Msalame in the Unscripted Show – that Hype doesn’t change you, it changes those around you.

For years, you have dripped in the charm of people smiling at you and showing you  lots of love. You are armed with confidence and humility is an understatement, you’ve become a man of the people. The name on the headline; the face of the caption. This only changes them, your closest friends, who in turn change you slowly, intentionally or unintentionally – I won’t get into the detail, It’s quite philosophical.

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The next time we met was after two weeks; the duration of time she wanted me to wait so that she could gently tell me what was wrong. I had waited impatiently – and as gentle as she was – quite easily delivered to her promise. It was a night – down one of those middle end joints along Muindi Bingu Street; her favorite spot for Japanese Sushi. Myself I had never eaten Sushi and when the table was spread with a tray, quite a fragrance was the welcome that I got lost in the eating rather than the talking.

The led lights inside the café had this calming effect – and would change color from time to time. The seduction was quite attractive – as they transformed her eyes from blue, to red then blue again. She asked me what it meant to lose someone I love – and I told her to me it meant never loving again.

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But amidst the background of slow jazz music blended with chunks of karaoke Zilizopendwa – I digged dip into the pieces on my tray – shoving each into my throat; while she sat there- plucking every piece of her pain, and shoving each of those pieces into my soul.

Not as clumsily as I shoved the sushi into my mouth. But calmly and slowly, bittersweet grief narrated with some glow – Her face was shimmering and with the music; I felt the taste of the evening – today without Smirnoff, or Tusker or anything.

Just me and a teacher – she was teaching me how to reach out into the lumps in my soul; how to say no to pain; how to be weary and say no to show stoppers. It was her own story; told one after the other; about words she’d been told in judgment of her intelligence; Intelligence brought against her looks; about grief, about worry and about people; and men she had lost because she’d thought she had it all. Deep down I SECRETLY thought ‘you cannot always have it all’ yet that night I walked  away knowing what it means to just mean beautiful to people.